Guilty Parties: Rich the Scot.

Well, he’s Rich McKay, from Scotland, Natch, and if you’ve been diving with any one of four dive companies in the Bay of Islands, then chances are you’ve come across him.  At one point he was thinking of making up a “Rich the Scot” T-shirt, with checkboxes on the back next to the names of companies he’s worked for, and people could buy them and tick off where they’d come across him.  Of course, he could also add on there names of pubs people have gotten drunk with him, but there’s only so much room on a t-shirt.

  Frequently asked questions on Dive North’s website list the question “Is Rich single?” the answer to which no-one really knows.  Including Rich.  I guess we’d just have to say probably, given Rich’s talent for using his personality as a contraceptive.  Currently, Rich fills his workaholic tendencies by working evenings in Vinnie’s Takeaways, the takeaway bar of champions, on the waterfront in Paihia.  He fills his alcoholic needs in any bar that hasn’t gotten around to chucking him out yet, where he will proudly display his fish-like capacity for smiley juice.

  At one point he was derided in the bay for being about as trustworthy underwater as a lace condom, with a habit of ripping people’s masks off and turning off their air, but it has since been revealed that he only pulls these tricks on English people who brag about how comfortable they are underwater, and DMT’s.  Unfortunately, I’m a DMT.  Fortunately, Not for Dive North.  Although, I bet any divemaster trained by Ty and Rich would breeze through a stress test…

  There is, however, a point where he cannot be trusted.  If you ever need to go for a wee off the back of the boat, MAKE SURE YOU GET THE BOAT KEYS.  Otherwise, with wetsuit down and wanger out, you may find Rich slamming the throttles forward and pitching you off the back into a patch of disgustingly slightly warmer ocean.  Like he’s done to me.  Twice.  One day I’ll get him back, and my revenge will be so good, it’ll be worth him doing it for the level of revenge I’m going to get.  And then I’ll be running.  I’m jogging a lot at the moment, getting my fitness up.  All I should have to do is lead him past the nearest bar…